its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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