Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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