I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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