My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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