so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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