My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
