It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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