yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
