when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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