Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
