I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
