she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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