i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
