My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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