I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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