no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize