Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
