life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
