Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
