i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
