I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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