at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
