Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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