New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
