when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
