Jerry, you need to find god
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
