based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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