Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
