she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
