Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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