cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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