Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
