I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
And then he peed in my hair
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
