Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
