well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
