Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
