the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
