I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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