The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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