I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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