if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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