We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
