oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
