Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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