Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
