Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
