just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
