I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
