Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
