You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
