matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Randomize
