I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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