oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
