I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
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you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
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So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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