My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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