he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
