My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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