Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
