when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
