I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
