my mouth tastes like poor choices
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
