ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
