16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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