My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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