Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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