o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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