She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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