I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Duck Duck Cougar?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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