its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
